Guidelines

It would be great if parents teach their child to greet others with salam than a casual ‘Hi' or ‘Hello.'

Politeness is the art of choosing among one's real thoughts. - Abel Stevens.

Rabia, 23, is a new mother. She wants to teach her child manners but doesn't know what age to start; she's also wondering what exactly she should teach her child. Her baby is only a newborn, so she is just thinking ahead.

Jaweed, 28, told Islamic Voice that he was confused as to how to teach his children not to talk loudly and be polite to people.

Siraj, 27, recently ate dinner with his wife, at a posh Mumbai restaurant. What worried him was the loud noise of chewing from her.

Aftab, 23, was eating lunch in a restaurant with a co-worker when his mobile rang. When he answered it, his co-worker teased him later for not “knowing mobile phone etiquette.” Since he has seen other people in the restaurant use their phones, he's confused about the basics of mobile use and has asked the company for guidance.

One area where there is some controversy and haziness is the rules of etiquette. While there are some basic guidelines which are described below, much is simply based on a gut instinct for common courtesy.

Etiquette encompasses an enormous body of matter so for the purposes of this article, a small sampling of some of the more applicable and common rules are included below. Teaching manners to children, dining etiquette basics and correct telephone usage are included, as well as some brief information on personal correspondence. Although there are many schools of thought regarding manners, the rules stated below are generally thought to be the most universal.

Teaching manners to children, Learn young about hard work and manners - and you'll be through the whole dirty mess and nicely dead again before you know it- F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Manners should be taught as soon as your child understands what you're saying. Politeness and well mannered behavior cannot be emphasized enough and the teaching of these traits is the responsibility of parents. Children will need coaching and reminders on etiquette throughout their childhood and especially during their volatile teenage years. The one thing worse than a spoilt or ill-mannered child is a badly brought up person!

How to teach children manners:

First and foremost, encourage your child to empathise with others.

Always be specific. Give a young child the words you want him to use.

Be fair. If you tell your child:
“Let Abid choose what to play, it's his house,” he may protest if you later say when he hosts, “Let Abid choose, he's your guest.”

Don't criticize your child in front of other people. Later, when you're alone, explain calmly and clearly what was unacceptable and why. Tell her what she could have said or done instead, and emphasize that you are confident she can handle it differently next time.

Teach by using the example of others, but do not keep praising the same people so much that it begins to irritate your child. Instead, subtly point out good manners in others such as by saying, “Your friend Nina was so polite it was a pleasure to have her over.”

Include your child in your own “courtesy” activities. “I'm writing Zohra Khala a thank-you letter for the beautiful present she gave. Would you like to help me write it?”

Don't force your child to say things they don't feel such as “I'm sorry” when it's obvious they are not. Such words and actions should be genuine and freely offered, not ordered.

Remember to give positive reinforcement. For example, say, “I'm proud you remembered to use your fork instead of your fingers”, or “Thank you darling for asking to be excused from the table”.

Be a good example yourself. Do the things you want your child to do. Most importantly, always give your child the respect you want him to give to others.

Five basic manners to first teach children:
1. One basic rule of conversational politeness is to not interrupt other people when they are speaking. Children should be taught from a very young age to wait their turn to speak. In the olden days, children were told ‘not to speak until spoken to'. Today, that is generally not enforced, but they should still be taught to respect their elders.

However, even when conversing with other children, they should be taught not to interrupt other speakers. Explain to your child that no one can be heard if there are too many voices at once. Gently tell them to wait until someone is done speaking, and then ask their question or make their statement.

When speaking with your child, please make sure you give him your full attention when you are done speaking, so as to reinforce their positive behavior of waiting their turn. While your child is patiently waiting, you can hold their hand or put your arm around them to let them know you are aware of their presence.

2. Labels and name calling should be discouraged from day one. Even if it can seem “fun” name calling hurts. Instead of labels, ask your child to explain what the behavior is that bothers or offends them. This ability to clearly and specifically express their feelings will also serve them well in an academic environment when they will have to support their opinions and thoughts.

3. One easy but important behaviour to teach your child is to always greet someone when they come over to your house. Your child should always salaam when someone visits so that the guest feels welcome. However, if the guest is a business colleague coming to meet you or someone else who does not have a relationship with your child, please use your judgment before introducing your child.

4. A child, teenager and of course all adults should clean up after themselves. A child should always be taught to pick up after themselves, whether at home or at a friend's house. It's their mess, so they need to feel responsible to clean it up. If they refuse, gently remind them that they need to clean up before the next activity can begin, and stick to your statement.

In our country in particular this is very important to do. Since many people have servants, it's natural for a child to get used to depending on others to clean up their messes. This is detrimental to the child for many reasons. There is great satisfaction in taking care of oneself and work hard.

Also, at some point whether when travelling abroad, after marriage or if they study abroad, they will need to pick up after themselves and if this trait has not been instilled from a young age, it can be cumbersome to learn later. Too many kids - especially boys - go to university abroad and are not able to maintain a clean dorm room or apartment.

5. One of the most important things to teach a child is the simplest. Encourage them to say “Please” and “Thank you” often. It shows respect and appreciation. Use these words often yourself and your child will quickly learn by your example.