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Hard Talk
By M. Hanif Lakdawala
The use of unpleasant objectionable words by children has become a common malady. Muslim parents need to take remedial steps to tackle this.
Sadaf felt as if her ears were filled with molten iron when she heard her nine-year-old son Irfan, throwing the choicest expletives at his younger brother in anger and that too, in front of her relatives. Sadaf had earlier noticed Irfan muttering certain unpleasant words, but never knew how much of a foul mouth he had acquired. Scolding, cajoling and some moderate punishment had earlier persuaded Irfan not to use abusive language. It looked like the habit was back.
The use of unpleasant objectionable words by children has become a common malady. Cute little kids are now routinely heard mouthing obnoxious words that would turn a sailor red with embarrassment. Two children fighting in a park will showcase a bad vocabulary that could prompt you to plug your ears immediately. And you know quite well that this will not solve the problem at all. Go to any Muslim managed school and you will faint after hearing the language Muslim children today, use.
According to Dr Rahil Patki, psychologist, most kids pick up such language purely by imitating people around them. “Sometimes it is a negative form of seeking attention. However, there are certain serious cases wherein the child refuses to refrain from using abusive language no matter how careful the parents are. It is important that the parents treat this situation as deserving of attention, and set it right with the help of psychological counselling and professional help. Regular use of unwholesome language is an indication of depression and mental stress,” he said.
Senior psychiatrist, Dr Nirmala Rao and counsellor Malini Shah from Avishkar Centre for Self Enrichment in Mumbai explain that the manifestation of such behaviour is a child’s unhealthy way of coping with a situation, which could lead to certain personality disorders. Psycho-logists term this behaviour a ‘conduct disorder’. The problem of bad behaviour and bad language persists despite all control measures taken by parents and teachers. In such cases, besides using abusive language, the child even develops certain anti-social traits, a malady largely noticed among impulsive children.
“Conduct disorder” refers to a group of behavioural and emotional problems in youngsters. Children and adolescents with this disorder have great difficulty following rules and behaving in a socially acceptable way. They are often viewed by other children, adults and social agencies as “bad” or delinquent, rather than mentally ill. Many factors may contribute to a child developing conduct disorder, including brain damage, child abuse, genetic vulnerability, school failure and traumatic life experiences.
So, from where do children pick up bad language? Here are a few possibilities: You simply cannot deny the impression of the media on vulnerable minds. Children tend to imitate the style and habits of their heroes or even their favourite cartoon characters. Kids pick up language habits from their ayahs, the bus driver or the housemaid they regularly converse with. The same goes for neighbours or people in the neighbourhood. Some ‘civilised’ parents too, tend to be foul-mouthed, and use abusive language while addressing the maid or driver, hence setting an undesirable example for their children.
However, there are also television programmes that affect children negatively. For instance- “W.W.F” is one such negative programmes, which has too much violence and unfortunately children love it. Children should not see these kinds of programmes because children tend to imitate the fighters. In addition, there are some movies that have a lot of violence and bad words and children love these kinds of movies. Children like and learn how to use knives, guns and explosives because they see it on television. Sometimes children take the role of their super heroes in real life because they see their favourite actors using these weapons. For example; when children watch the actor stealing a car on television, they learn from it and they also want to steal because they want to be like their super heroes.
How to deal with children using bad language? Start first at home by completely discarding the use of bad language with the people you deal with… the driver, the maid or the neighbours. Parents should make the child realise that it is healthy to express anger, but that she should not bully or bad-mouth the other person. Help the child express the anger in a constructive way. Give her examples of how she could have handled the situation better. Remind her that bad words hurt. Give her a glass of water and calm her down.
React strongly while encountering the use of bad language on television or films. Tell the child immediately that only undesirable people use bad language. Take the issue discreetly to the school authorities , this will help the teacher to keep a check on your child and other children at large. Expose your child to good literature, particularly where the protagonist happens to be a kid. Your child will take him as a role model and start appreciating the good language.
1- Have small talks about what happened through the day without any tension or confrontations.
2- Listen more than talk, do not confront if you disapprove of anything. Keep the issue in mind and maybe open it another time through another situation indirectly.
3- When children use bad words, do not shout, start with a nice introduction smoothly, getting straight to the heart, not because you are responsible, but because you really love him or her.
4. Moral values, such as honesty and chastity are originally innate values which Allâh planted in the hearts of mankind, then He sent His messengers with a system of life in accordance with this innate disposition to affirm it.
“So set your face towards the religion, as one by nature upright; the instinctive (religion) which Allâh has created in mankind. There is no altering (the laws) of Allah‘s creation. That is the right religion but most people do not know.” (Surah: Al-Rum:30).
A believer adheres to these moral values because his nature, fortified by faith, induces him to do so, and because the religion he believes in, commands him with them and promises him a reward for them in the Hereafter.
(The writer can be reached at mhl@rediffmail.com)
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