Trends

The “pretty” and “homely” bride sought after in the 1960s among Muslims, has given way to a specific female ideal with an emphasis on physical attributes and earning capability.


Arranged marriages among Muslims are undergoing a major transition, given the impact of modernisation on basic social values and institutions. Yet, even as modernity has promoted women’s education and economic autonomy, gender discrimination is all too alive in the marriage market.


The kinds of weddings that we see today were not how weddings were celebrated in yesteryears. The various social customs and rituals, which were associated with marriages, played a very vital role in deciding the marriage between two families. In those times, the consent of the family and parents was more important than the consent of the bride and bridegroom.


A significant change is that the “pretty” and “homely” bride sought after in the 1960s has given way to a specific female ideal with an emphasis on physical attributes and earning capability. In the 1960s, while caste and family were important, the girl’s “merits” were the prime concern.


The 1980s witnessed an increasing stridency of tone. Physical beauty, in terms of height and skin colour, clearly started becoming very important, to the detriment of “accomplishments” or talent. Adjectives like “pretty” gave way to terms such as “tall and fair”. Working women came to stay, and income (the higher the better) became a virtue to be flaunted. During this decade, men put great emphasis on their background, their family, and the part of the world they were settled in, or wanted to settle in.


Beauty was perceived more in terms of talent (like cooking) rather than physical attributes and “decent” marriages were the norm. While education and caste considerations retained importance in the 1990s, the financial status is given prime importance today. On the whole, physical attributes of the woman are gaining importance and acting as parameters of success in the marriage market. For both men and women, more emphasis is placed on professional degrees in the age of 2000.


In the face of the decline of the joint family, the demands on the potential bride and her family have become both specific and blatant. In an era of globalisation and free markets flooded with luxury goods, the bride’s family is invariably expected to include these goods in the dowry package.


So, has anything really changed, in terms of people’s perceptions and how Muslim women are viewed in the marriage market? There is no doubt that the motivation to acquire a bride who has the ‘right’ physical attributes, who can bring in money (whether through a job or a dowry), and generally promote consumerist bliss, has intensified.


On the other hand, despite the growing accent on education and professional qualifications, the straight and narrow tunnel vision on the role of a woman, caste and family background remains un-changed.


Since family is the basic unit of the society, Islam lays great emphasis on the family system and its values. The basis of family is marriage. Islam prescribes rules to regulate family life so that both the spouses can live in tranquility, security and love. Marriage in Islam has aspects of ‘ibadah’ (worship) of Allah in the sense that it is in accordance with His commandments that a husband and wife should love and help each other and rear their children to become true servants of Allah.


The man also has the total responsibility to pay the household expenses. Even if a woman is wealthy, she does not have to spend any of her money on the maintenance of herself or the couple’s children. In fact, many Muslim women do work outside the home. They can contribute to the household budget if they choose, and they receive the heavenly reward for giving charity, but they are not required to do so. Every group needs a leader, and Islam gives that responsibility to the husband because he is the bread-winner. He should consult his wife on family matters, but the final decisions are his. The wife should lovingly obey her husband, even when she disagrees, to keep peace in the family and to win the pleasure of Allah. That does not mean that she is his slave and must wait on him hand and foot. The Prophet (Pbuh) himself helped his wives with housework.


A man and woman should enter into marriage with the intention of it being permanent, and Islam has many teachings on how husbands and wives should deal with each other lovingly.


Islam recognises that people do sometimes make poor decisions. Thus, divorce and re-marriage are allowed as a last resort after estranged couples have attempted to reconcile their differences with the help of family or other counsellors.


Muslims think that love, happiness and comfort is in beauty and financial security. But Islam teaches us to give more importance to character and religious knowledge. “A woman came to the Messenger of God and offered herself to him (in marriage). When she had stood for a long time (without receiving an answer) a man got up and said: “Messenger of God, Marry her to me”. He asked the man if he had anything to give her as dower (marriage gift), and when he replied that he had nothing, the Prophet said: “look for something, even though it be an iron ring”. Then when the man had searched and found nothing, God’s Messenger asked him whether he knew anything of the Qur’an. When the man replied that he knew few surahs, God’s Messenger said: “Go away, I give her to you in marriage. Teach her some of the Qur’an.” (Bukhari and Muslim on the authority of Sahl bin Sa’d).