Our Dialogue

Q. A married man got involved with a girl, promising to marry her, but giving the
excuse that his first wife is holding firmly against such marriage. The girl yielded to his pressure, particularly when he told her that in front of God she is his wife. Still, time passes and no marriage contract is made. The girl later discovered that her
relationship with him is sinful and this caused her much grief. The man is saying that he could marry her in secret but he does not want his first wife to know so that he can keep his family together. Please comment.


A. There is no relationship between man and woman that can be described as “marriage” in God’s sight when no marriage contract has been made in the presence of the woman’s father or guardian and a minimum of two witnesses. The man simply was lying to the girl in order to take advantage of her. The fact that she agreed and let their relationship develop in this way does not reduce her sin. This is an adulterous relationship that must be immediately terminated. Many men who find themselves able to seduce girls in this way are reluctant to marry them. This is in the nature of their deception. From all the details you have given me, I can see how the man took advantage of the girl, playing on her ignorance and innocence. She and her family must take a firm stand with him, demanding that he marry her. If he refuses, they can resort to any measures to make him fulfill his promises.


The man is protesting that his first wife does not agree to his second marriage. Her agreement is not necessary from the Islamic point of view. God has given men the right to marry more than one wife, and every Muslim woman knows this. But this man is playing games. So he must be dealt with in a proper manner that stops him. He should be made to take the consequences of his actions.


The girl must also repent of her sin. She must make her repentance genuine, resolving that she would never commit the same sin again. This applies to the man as well. If their repentance is genuine and they seek God’s forgiveness, He may accept their repentance, if He so pleases. The girl and her family should also consider if they really want her to be the wife of such a man. It may be that the marriage will normalize a bad situation, but it could lead to much unhappiness. Besides, the man is an adulterer, and as such he is not fit to marry a Muslim woman.

Q. Could you please discuss the practice of holding functions after certain numbers of days of someone’s death, and on its anniversary, to read the Qur’an, with each person reading one para so that they all would read it complete in a matter of an hour or so. They then do some supplication and request God to credit the reward for their recitation to the deceased.


A. It is agreed by the majority of scholars that any act of worship that could be done by proxy, such as the pilgrimage, the Umrah and the payment of zakah and charity, could be done on behalf of a deceased person, whether he requests it before his death or not. Reading the Quran, or a part of it, is one such act. So, in principle, if one recites a surah or a passage of the Qur’an and prays to God to credit the reward of his recitation to his parents, they earn that reward and he earns a reward for being so dutiful. This does not need to be the whole of the Qur’an, but any reading, short or long would do.


Having said that, I wish to add that the occasions people mark after a person’s death are not an Islamic practice. There is nothing to be associated with any Thursday after the death, or 3rd, 7th, 10th or 40th day, or the anniversary of the death. Such markings are borrowed from other cultures or religions. The Prophet never suggested or recommended such markings, and they were not done by any of the Prophet’s companions or their successors. Hence, it is a bid’at practice, or deviation, that we should remove from our lives.

Q. You mentioned certain actions we can do to increase the reward of our parents after their death. One is praying for them. Is there a particular prayer? Should it be said after each obligatory prayer, or as often as possible?


A. The best prayer, or dua’, to say for our deceased parents, and even when they are alive, is that which God has taught us in the Qur’an: “‘My Lord, bestow on them Your grace, even as they reared and nurtured me when I was a child.” (17: 24) Another prayer is that mentioned in the Qur’an as said by the Prophet Noah: “My Lord! Grant forgiveness to me and to my parents.” (71: 28) If you combine the two, you will be acting on the Prophet’s (Pbuh) advice and saying the best prayers for them. We normally say this prayer at the end of each prayer, whether obligatory or recommended, just before we finish the prayer with salam. But it can be said at any time: The more often the better.

Q. A man started a premarital relationship with a woman and she became pregnant. In their difficulty, the woman arranged for an abortion. Both sincerely regretted their
action and are about to be married. Although they have sought God’s forgiveness, they wonder whether their repentance can be accepted.


A. What the couple did is certainly grave. They have compounded the very serious sin of adultery with another, very serious one of abortion. But the good thing is that they have realised that this is far from acceptable and they are willing to mend their ways. God is always compassionate and He looks at the errors of His servants with sympathy when they genuinely repent their sins. Genuine repentance means that one is truly and deeply sorry for violating God’s laws, and that one is fully resolved not to repeat the same sin again. If this is the case and we pray to God to forgive us, He will do so if He pleases.


We should remember that God forgives all sins except that of associating partners with Him. But forgiveness is always dependent on genuine repentance and firm resolve not to repeat the violation.

Q. A woman teacher who has been homebound for more than one and a half years due to a medical condition is being paid 82 percent of her salary. She is on leave on
medical grounds. May I ask whether, from the Islamic point of view, it is permissible for her to receive such a salary?


A. If the illness is genuine, preventing her from discharging her teaching duties, and the law of employment which is applicable to her permits such payments, then it is perfectly permissible for her to receive the salary. Governments have to cater for all situations in their legislation.
Since some people succumb to long illnesses, and teachers are not exempt from such illnesses, then each government has to put in place legislation catering for such cases. This normally comes under the health insurance that a government provides for its employees. Even if this arrangement continues for several years, the salary the teacher receives is perfectly legitimate, provided, however, that there is no foul play, either by pretending to be ill, or by circumventing the legal provisions.

Q. A young woman brings home a friend from abroad and tells her parents that she wants to marry him. When they tell her to wait while they check whether he is a suitable husband, she threatens them that she will marry him on her own if they do not consent. She also threatens that if they prevent her marriage, she will commit sin with the man. She argues that what she is doing is legitimate and they cannot stop her because they will be forcing her into what is forbidden. When they speak about making the proper arrangements for marriage, she forestalls them, saying that she wants only a small amount of dower, and that her intended husband will not pay for the walimah because his relatives live in a different country. The man tries to get the woman’s family to pay for all the marriage expenses. May I say that this pattern of events is becoming common with the expatriate Asian community. Please comment.


A. It is very important to realize that Islam does not approve of compulsion in any situation. While compulsion in religion is prohibited in a clear Qur’anic statement, pressuring a person to comply with another’s wishes is also wrong. It is not right for parents to force their adult sons and daughters to accept choices that they do not favor, even though they may feel that such choices are for their own good. Similarly, it is not acceptable that parents should be placed under pressure to accept choices that their adult sons and daughters prefer. Personal choice is the right of every individual, because ultimately we are individually responsible before God for our actions. A woman came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) complaining of her father’s action: “Messenger of God! My father has married me to a cousin of his seeking to improve his own status through this marriage,” she said. The Prophet ruled the marriage nullified, and gave her the right to choose. When she had regained that right, she accepted her father’s choice, saying: “I only wanted women to know that men do not have control over their lives.”


On the other hand, parents are given their due position of respect. Their sons and daughters must always be dutiful, giving their parents all they can to make their lives more comfortable and happy. They should know that invariably parents care for their children and hope that they will lead a happy life. When parents suggest something to their children, it is only because they feel that it is in their children’s best interests. We cannot say that this applies to every individual parent in the same way. People differ, and there are always those who depart from the norm. Yet the normal situation is that parents try to help their children in every way they can, because they love them and want the best for them. Hence, God made dutifulness to parents an extremely important duty, mentioning it more than once in the Qur’an as second only to belief in His oneness: “Worship God alone and do not associate with Him any partners. Be kind to your parents and near of kin.” (4: 36) “Your Lord has ordained that you shall worship none but Him, and that you must be kind to your parents.” (17: 23)
It is certainly not kind or dutiful if a son or daughter says to their parents: “Unless you approve of my marriage to this person, I will have an illegitimate relationship with him or her.” Those making such a statement may intend it only as a means of pressure to get their parents to approve the marriage. They may not even contemplate any illegitimate relationship with anyone, but making such a statement is unkind, as it puts the parents in a very difficult position. To start with, if the person concerned is serious and he or she may consider an illegitimate relationship, let them be honest about it by not placing the responsibility for their actions on their parents. If they are not serious, they should never utter such a threat. They should be kind to their parents and give them their dues.


What the parents in this case should do is to tell their daughter that they cannot accept rushing into a marriage without taking appropriate measures to establish whether the person concerned is a good match or not. Here we are not talking about financial status. We are talking about the man himself: Is he religious, honest, kind to his family, and will he make a good husband and a kind parent? Is he generous or stingy; considerate or selfish; etc? If the daughter does not allow her parents a chance to establish such information, then they should tell her to go away and lead the life she wants, because they do not accept responsibility for her choices. They should be firm with her, because they cannot let her dictate their own life as well as hers.


We should remember that if a woman marries someone without her father’s approval, he can object to her marriage on grounds of incompatibility, and an Islamic court will nullify the marriage if incompatibility is proven. But this mechanism may not be available in many Muslim countries. What this tells us, however, is that if the principle of nullifying a marriage after it has taken place is acceptable, then objecting to it before it takes place is even more appropriate. Certainly a father can object to a marriage proposal to his daughter on several grounds, such as the prospective bridegroom’s commitment to faith, character, or social status.


In this particular case, the man seems to take advantage of the girl’s commitment in order to skip some or all the responsibilities that are incumbent on him. He should, for example, give his prospective wife a suitable dower, but he seems to have persuaded her to forgo this. Her parents should explain to her why Islam makes a dower necessary, and give it all to the wife to be her own property. It is not to impose hardship on the man, but rather to honor the woman. Having said that, I should add that dower should not be the criterion for accepting a husband or refusing him, so as to accept only those who can pay a large dower. It is the man that is most important. But the man seems also not to want to incur any expense, as appears from his reason not to wish to give a walimah. The walimah is a dinner offered by the husband to relatives and neighbors as a means to publicize the marriage and an occasion for the community to share in the joy of two of its families. If his relatives are living in some other country, there are neighbours and friends who should be invited.

Q.Some teenagers wear T-shirts with pictures of pop stars, skulls, slogans, messages, product advertisement on them. What does Islam say about wearing such clothes?


A. Everything begins as permissible unless there is a cause to give it a different ruling. Therefore, the wearing of such clothes is like wearing any other clothes, so it is permissible. However, we must look at what is printed on them to see if there is any additional factor, which changes the initial verdict. You say that some of them carry advertisements for certain product. If the product such shirts advertise is forbidden, such as tobacco or intoxicants, then it is forbidden to wear them because by wearing them, a person actually helps promote something forbidden. If the slogans or the messages printed on such shirts are contrary to Islamic teachings, wearing them becomes forbidden.


Moreover Islam lays special emphasis on the appearance of a Muslim who is required to take care of himself and his clothes. He should maintain both his body and clothes clean. Moreover, what he wears should fit with the Islamic ethical standards and should not invite bad comments. A man asked Abdullah Ibn Amr, a prominent scholar of the companions of the Prophet (pbuh): “what sort of clothes should I wear?” Abdullah answered: “you should wear what does not invite contempt by narrow-minded people or criticism by wise people.” To wear a shirt carrying a picture of a pop star is indicative of the wearer’s petty concerns. Hence, it is discouraged or reprehensible.